March 3 -- Day 3

Here we are at day 3. I was up and out of the house on time. Arrived a few moments early for class. Today we went over goals.
My Three Goals:
To lose SOME weight. I don't care how much, I just want to see the scale going down!
To gain energy!
To gain confidence!

Why this is important: I have four children who need me to be there for them and I need to be a role model for them.

Obstacles:
Negative attitude (myself and others)
Lack of organization

Actions to accomplish goals:
Attend my class
Engage in POSITIVE talking/thinking
Work on organization a little each day in all different areas of my life

Yup, today, I cried. Embarrassing -- but thinking about why it is important, really got to me. I want to be a positive healthy role model for my children, and I am anything but that at this point. That is so unfair to these precious little ones! I also want to BE HERE for my babies. With Serena Williams suffering a pulmonary embolism yesterday and she is in the best shape of her life... it made me realize, I'm a ticking time bomb, by NOT being in good shape. These things can happen to anyone at anytime, but because she is in such great physical condition, she is more able to have a full recovery. Would my body be able to fight back so well? I doubt it.

The workout today was only 1/2 an hour and it went by REALLY fast... but it was a painful reminder of just how far I need to go... I couldn't even do one jumping jack! First of all, my sports bra is NOT the right one... one jump and I thought the girls were gonna give me black eyes! Secondly, after squats on Tuesday, my thighs fought against me with every ounce of their being. Thirdly, WHERE did my coordination go? So, that was pretty much a FRIGHTENING and VERY SICKENINGLY embarrassing part of the workout. Then we did something else, I can't even remember (Mental Black Out maybe???) -- then sprints and more jumping (jumping squats even) and after that, we had to do SPIDERMAN PUSH UPS... WHAT THE FRENCH TOAST?!? Literally, we had to go from one end of the room to the other doing pushups/crawls the likes of spiderman scaling a building. Let's just say, I felt sorry for anyone who had to see the back of me during this exercise. This is one of THE hardest things I've ever done in my life. I felt so badly for the rest of the girls, because I was DEFINITELY holding everyone back, because I am THAT slow! It wasn't pretty, but I made it with the help and encouragement of all the girls! <3 Couldn't do it with out them! After that we did an interval segment ... MORE LEG and core work. My legs are truly angry with me -- to that I say, SUCK IT UP and get stronger so it won't hurt so bad! After a wonderful cool down and stretch, I didn't think I could get up off that floor, but I did. And I got to my car, and I drove home.

Driving home I got emotional all over again. This is VERY VERY VERY hard for me. This is PAINFULLY embarrassing for me. It is amazing the lies I have told myself over the years, about how I didn't really look "that" bad, I wasn't "that" out of shape. WOW, I really deceived myself. I bought into those lies.

You know, I'm gonna throw it out there, balls to the wall -- I'm doing this, so I'm gonna be completely honest. 288 lbs -- THAT is my starting point. (Tears are falling, admitting this to all of you.) HOLY CRAP, WHO allows themselves to get to that point??? Is food REALLY worth that number??? Believe it or not, that is NOT my biggest point -- but it was my starting point for this journey. It makes me sick to even look at that number and what I have let myself become. Horrible. God gave me this body, amazingly made, amazingly knit together, and I've ruined it! It was a gift HE gave me, and I have not cared for it or treated it with the respect it deserves. I feel like saying, "Hey, Holy Spirit, are you able to breathe in there??? HELP ME FIX THIS!!!" I want to be able to quote the Virginia Slims ad from when I was younger, "You've come a long way, Baby!" when I finish my first 8 weeks. A side goal I have in all of this, is that in 8 weeks, I can take the pants I wore the first week, and instead of wearing them in the picture, HOLD THEM UP BESIDE ME and say... LOOK WHERE I CAME FROM and LOOK WHERE I AM NOW!

I have a long way to go, but I have a wonderful group of ladies who are pushing me and encouraging me a long the way. I am blessed.

Now, I need to make breakfast. I thought I was going to throw up when I got home, but now that the insides are settled, I'm ready to eat.